Interacting with birth parents is often one of the hardest parts of foster parenting, but it’s necessary for the reunification of the child and the birth family. The idea of having an open relationship with birth parents can be scary for new foster parents.
People typically choose to become foster parents to give children a chance at a stable, secure home while the birth family works on creating the same. It’s hard to hear about what a child has gone through or the home life they experienced, but blaming birth parents and speaking negatively about them won’t help anyone in the situation.
Know that it isn’t one-sided. Birth parents often have a negative view of foster parents, too. In their mind, foster parents are a part of the system that is taking their child away from them.
A positive relationship between birth parents and foster parents is vital for the well-being of the child. It takes work, it takes empathy, and it takes patience.
Try to relate to the birth parents
Put yourself in their shoes. Birth parents are just as uncomfortable as you are when meeting. You know personal information about them, and you’re taking care of their child. They may feel ashamed, sad, competitive or defensive. A little understanding goes a long way.
Define your role
Although you’ll work closely with the child welfare agency, you won’t decide when or if the child is returned to the birth parents’ care. You also won’t decide what steps the birth parents must take for reunification. Passing judgment isn’t your job. Your only job is to create a safe and stable environment for the child. Realize that you are part of a team, and the better you work together, the better the outcomes for the child.
Find a clear way to communicate
Your agency may have a policy on communication with birth family members. Always discuss this first with the caseworker who knows the family. Clear and safe communication with appropriate boundaries is essential when interacting with the birth parents. Every family’s situation is different. Therefore, every relationship with birth family members is going to be different. Some you may exchange emails with, some you may invite into your home to help serve as a mentor, and some you may just share messages with through the caseworker.
Don’t get too personal
You may know the birth family’s deep, personal issues. Don’t share this information with strangers, and don’t bring up negative aspects of their past with the birth parents or in court. When communicating with the parents, don’t pry for more information or ask personal questions. Pleasant small talk, encouragement and positive updates about the child are appropriate.
Show your interest in the child
Ask the birth parents about the child’s preferences, such as favorite foods, toys, routines or comfort items. Not only will it provide insight into the child and what makes him or her comfortable, but it also will show the birth parents that you respect them and care for the child.
Keep it positive
Always keep it positive when speaking to birth parents about their children. Share the child’s progress, activities, a photo, or even a school project or craft.
When children are within earshot, keep your comments about their birth parents positive. Building up others is a vital life skill. It teaches maturity, compassion and kindness. In addition, when adults can manage to be respectful and get along, even in tough situations, it teaches the child these skills, as well.
Additional Information
Working together and building bridges between foster parents and birth parents by ChroniclesofSocialChange.org
